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There are different ways of being lost. I know exactly where I am, but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how I came to be here. And there’s no way back.
Time is one way. Tricky.
It only takes hindsight to see the wrong turn, the one that took you astray and changed the course of your future. Destiny?
I think destiny might be what we call it when the idea that, but for one little thing, it all could’ve been different is just too fucking painful to bear. So we give coincidence, happenstance, the things beyond our control, names like fate and God and believe with all our hearts that they have a purpose. That it’s all one great cosmic plan.
That we aren’t blind little monkeys scrabbling for meaning in the insensible shifts and currents of the universe.
I can’t decide which is more comforting: to believe that out of an infinite universe, something is deliberately manipulating my life, and that every bad thing that has ever happened to me is the result of that omniscient power deciding to make it so, that I deserve this, or that things just happened that way.
The awesome weight of vulnerability, being one tiny little creature on a spinning rock hurtling through infinity is pretty fucking terrifying. The vastness, the emptiness of it all. The purposelessness, to be born and breathe and die for no reason other than, once upon a time, some prehistoric amphibians got it on in some mud flat.
No wonder so many people shy away from that world where there is no consciousness, only mechanics. Where the things beyond our control don’t happen for a reason and where the consequences of the decisions we make are wholly our own doing. Where there is no reward for hidden right or wrong but what lives in our own conscience. Where we are responsible for ourselves.
When I think of infinity it gives me vertigo.
I used to think blogs needed comments. Now I think maybe they don't. Talk to me @frankiesachs on Twitter instead. If what you want to say needs more than 140 characters, write your own blog post and shoot me the link. I'll come read it. (If you don't have a blog, Tumblr is easy.)