I Waltz so Hard, they call me "Matilda"

Jun 18

I took a picture of a slug and it reminds me of Tyson Bley.

Not that Tyson Bley looks like a slug. At least, I don’t think so. I’ve never actually seen Tyson Bley, so he could look like a slug, but I like to imagine that Tyson Bley is your average normal-looking guy. The kind of guy that you probably wouldn’t mind sitting next to on the train during your morning commute. Not at all the kind of guy that might suddenly extend a tentacle your way or leave slime on the seat. A guy, who, if his neighbors ever find out he writes poetry, they’ll say, “He seemed like such a nice man. Kept to himself, you know? We never suspected anything like this.”

Specifically, this is the slug that reminded me of Tyson Bley:

This wild free-range slug roaming the outdoors (which, I think we can all agree, is where slugs belong), reminds me of Tyson Bley’s anecdote about slugs fucking in his kitchen.

I looked up slugs on Wikipedia to find out what the parts of a slug are called. It’s important to know the correct names of stuff if you’re going to write about it. It makes it more authentic. I always like when writers don’t just call a tree a “tree” but call it a “magnolia” or a “dogwood.” Not that I know what the fuck a magnolia tree looks like, and maybe the writer doesn’t either, but the name’s got atmosphere.

I learned something else from Wikipedia:

Apophallation is a commonly seen practice among many slugs. In apophallating species, the penis curls like a corkscrew and during mating often becomes entangled in the mate’s genitalia. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other’s penis.”

I wanted to ask Tyson if maybe that wasn’t a packet of sperm that the “female” slug ate, but rather the chewed off penis of the other slug, but I couldn’t think of any non-weird way to put the question. Also, I think if there were horny slugs in my kitchen engaging in penile cannibalism, I’d rather no one told me.

One more slug fact: carnivorous slugs hunt other slugs by following their slime trails.

I’m not really obsessed with slugs (or Tyson Bley, for that matter). The whole thing started because I wanted to test the macro function on my new camera and bees are too fast, unlike slugs. Thank you, internet, for giving what should have been a delightful little picture of a determined-looking slug crossing a road weird and disturbing undertones.